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I am frozen.

I exist, I'm sure of that, but... but I have nothing to show for it. I am failing. Actions are not happening. Nothing is happening. Man, this sounds drugged. :heh:

Seriously, though (folks?). It's been two or three days now of frozen (anticipation?). I think I'm waiting for the job/interview call which I was told to expect this week (but really could happen anytime in the next four based upon past experience). In the meantime? There are things I should be working on. There are things I *could* be working on. And I'm sitting here... frozen.

This should be a poem, but I'm just... not... there. Or anywhere.

I need to move on.

How???

Comments

( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
autopsy_turvey
Apr. 2nd, 2003 11:38 am (UTC)
everything turns to shit. the key to contentment is acceptance.
kaolinfire
Apr. 2nd, 2003 11:51 am (UTC)
thanks. ;)

I tend to resent contentment when I notice it, or at least I'll overanalyze it and then tend towards resentment.

The thing is, I *want* to be doing "something". I want to be active and not pining away for this phone call. I read a book yesterday. That felt good. Wasn't productive, but it kept the fear away. I started reading another book, but... time just zipzapzorches like that. I don't want time to just disappear. I don't want soma.

eh.
lustingblood
Apr. 2nd, 2003 12:07 pm (UTC)
Some things I've found that make me feel productive are exercising, bike riding, cleaning the house, or any kind of hobby, such as drawing.
kaolinfire
Apr. 2nd, 2003 12:21 pm (UTC)
hmm. exercise could be good. I've got that kickboxing tape that should take me an hour... and then an hour shower afterwards. I could only do 20 minutes of it last night. ennui and lack of sticking to it. I need to get it back onto my regular "schedule" (as much as I have a schedule). A bike ride would be nice... found a bike at a garage-giveaway, but it needs... air at least, probably new innertubes. hopefully not new tires. I don't know how much that will cost but I don't feel like I can spare the money. :/ cleaning the house... is good to do when Amy's not home. I hate being watched when I do it. And it's actually relatively clean (or at least, it hasn't gotten much messier than what I last cleaned it *to*.) drawing would be good. programming is my "main" hobby and I have so ... so ... so many projects that need to be gotten to a stopping point. :/ I need to give myself a day for drawing the way I have a day for writing. (though I didn't get to write this week. :grumbles: monday was spent sitting in a car for six hours and ... stuff.)

bleah.

I should try to exercise. thanks. :)
tjernobyl
Apr. 2nd, 2003 12:14 pm (UTC)
I've been frozen for 3 weeks now, knowing I've got a great job in June but not one till then. But now is the time when I need one, I won't care in June =) Urg.
kaolinfire
Apr. 2nd, 2003 12:17 pm (UTC)
suck. :/ there's a long time between three weeks ago and June.

I haven't forgotten the project we were discussing (growing 3d boxworld nethack thing-like-thing); well, I had for a while. :/ But it's in my notes, once I find them.

[I like the flowers!]
tjernobyl
Apr. 3rd, 2003 12:49 am (UTC)
It's got a story behind it, even =) Made a post in freakwrite with the ol' "ISS as seen from handtracked earthbased telescope" icon. lyngen was frightened of the icon, so I menaced her a bit more about it here.

This was the most menacing flower I could find. I guess flowers just can't be scary =)
tjernobyl
Apr. 5th, 2003 02:11 am (UTC)
I'm salivating over the code it would take to make the item management system work... so sweet.... =)
kaolinfire
Apr. 5th, 2003 02:20 am (UTC)
do tell... :)
tjernobyl
Apr. 6th, 2003 03:25 am (UTC)
As I see it, you've either got a pile of CASE structures, or a fiendishly complex interaction database that could be truly beautiful if coded properly... In Nethack, there are over 20 kinds of potions, all of which can be blessed, cursed, or uncursed; diluted or undiluted... and the effects are different if you're confused or hallucinating... So many combinations, such a challenge to do it *efficiently*...
kaolinfire
Apr. 6th, 2003 10:50 pm (UTC)
Hmmmmmmmm.

definitely object-oriented is the way to go, methinks. even if that means c++. maybe time to look into objective-c.

hmm. but still not obvious. should be fun.

should be.

#*$&^#*$ "spare time".

or more like #*&$^*&#$^*#&$ projects that won't leave me alone. yeah, that. I wanna write a game. ;)
tjernobyl
Apr. 7th, 2003 07:46 pm (UTC)
Hmm, I'll have to learn more about object-orientedness... I've never really done anything that really seemed like it would benefit from it, so never really played with it much yet... But when the project comes...

I wish I would actually get to *doing* more of what I wanna do. :P
fetylum
Apr. 2nd, 2003 12:55 pm (UTC)
It's a matter of allowing yourself to melt. Humans are strange creatures; they have the ability of free will. It is just a matter of making yourself, unfreeze.
kaolinfire
Apr. 2nd, 2003 01:11 pm (UTC)
hmm. by that, I suppose I've succeeded somewhat when reading a book... but then I come away from the book and freeze again. I can do simple tasks (sleep, eat, read) but I don't seem to be able to do anything else. Though I did just manage 40 minutes of exercise. hopfully that will help and after a shower I'll be more "human" again.
fetylum
Apr. 2nd, 2003 01:14 pm (UTC)
Re:
That's almost exactly how I am most of the time. But I basically have to -force- myself, making me rather grumpy and annoyed, etc..but in the end I get things done that needed to be completed. Slowly things have gotten better with that, I don't have to force myself as much; I'm basically still defrosting.

Hope you unfreeze ^_^
kaolinfire
Apr. 2nd, 2003 01:27 pm (UTC)
thanks. :)

I can't tell if this is a periodic thing, or more environment-driven, but DAMN it's annoying. :/
tjernobyl
Apr. 2nd, 2003 11:47 pm (UTC)
I don't know if this is valid in your nigh-tropical climate, but around here most people get a bit odd when the snow melts. The whole world changes from sedate predictable whiteness to mushy mud and everything suddenly *smells* again. Once it's no longer physically painful to be outside, we spend more time and get more sunlight, which messes with the system as well. It passes, but it's uncomfortable while it lasts!
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )

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