quasi random (kaolinfire) wrote,
quasi random

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on the subject of goodbyes

someone (a very important to me someone, but a someone nonetheless for purposes of this attempt at introspection) asked me why I didn't say goodbye. Now, this was mostly in direct response to a singular incident of me not saying goodbye this morning... (well, apparently one previous to this morning as well that I had not noticed...) But still, I think it is part of a greater trouble that I have.

I'm not good at closure on things. I don't do well with the vagaries of social convention just around the binaries of on or off.

Experientially, my goodbyes don't seem to mean too much. I'm horrible at getting off the phone, or leaving when i don't really want to, or whatnot. There is a moment... when "Bye" needs to be final ... you say "Bye", and close off all communication thereafter. It's very difficult for me to do right.

With ICQ, a trick (a trick? I trick myself into leaving, or some such...) ... a method I use to disappear is: I will say goodbye to everyone (for instance, I'm actually leaving my abode), and then I will wait -- for them to say goodbye. If I'm in a rush, I'll simply turn invisible. Then I'll putter around for a few minutes collecting myself, my things, whatever... if someone then still sends me a message, and it's in any way important for me to answer it, I can still do it and I've lost nothing. Whereas if I had just logged off... who knows?

This problem actually also extends to going to sleep, being away from email, stopping what I'm doing to make dinner....

It's all part of saying goodbye.

What's worse is the people I know well, care to be around, are typically as bad at saying goodbye as I am. I've spent (quite enjoyable) *hours* standing outside my door talking with someone after saying goodbye to them three or four or five times....

I don't understand goodbyes.

What is necessary? What is meant? What is appropriate in any given situation? What the hell is meant?

And as for most things I don't understand, have tried to understand and failed... I don't like it. I hate goodbyes. I mean, I really just don't get them.

I have a great trouble turning my back on a situation -- even if that is what is required (the whole "goodbye" protocol).

I think I tend to avoid them when I think they'll be awkward or difficult... by going to the other extreme... and simply not goodbying, but being done with a conversation and that being that.

I codeveloped a protocol to help with the interaction of a conversation. I don't remember it all that well, but it was something to the effect of: say when you're done, receive a codified response to that that means one of a limited number of things, and resolve from there. None of the ambiguity of a goodbye. Maybe it's just me... but nobody seems to take my goodbyes seriously... or maybe it's just that I don't take them seriously enough for other people to take them seriously...

When I don't turn my back on a conversation, it can go on endlessly, regardless of how many times I say goodbye. Would it be just as allright if I just turned my back on it after one goodbye? Two? Of course, it's always situational... but it's always the same situation of not knowing how to end something. La.

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