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worthless, cycles, cycles

So I applied to a state college for a secondary BS today. I'll probably hear more about that in six months. Hopefully I didn't fuck up the application. That's kinda the mood I'm in. Expecting to fuck everything up.


I "took yesterday off" to get away from my chores and annoyances and ... mundanity. It was a good, relaxing day. I'd intended to get some writing done, and that didn't happen, but it was still good. However, the PURPOSE of the day had been to get writing done, so... I took today off, too.

I've... gotten nothing done. And I'm walking in circles and thinking in circles unable to get anything done. I want to write. I have a novel outline that needs serious help before I can sit down and write it. I have two handfuls of stories that need serious help for rewrites. I have jars full of stories that could be written if I could find enough hooks for them. If I trusted myself to write anything worth reading, at this point.

And the back of my skull is pounding with the echoes of a headache I'm not sure I've got, and have "had" for at least several days, now. It's getting to the point where I can't even organize my todo list. Everything looks hopeless. The more I do the less it seems I *can* do. The one good thing I can say is poemranker seems to run itself quite happily. I haven't touched it in any serious manner in ages, and yet it gets as much traffic as ever.

NFG needs some serious attention. urgent. nothing big, just annoyances that have to be put into place. globealive needs help. just. help. experts. it really needs more experts to use it. but we don't have the money to *cough* incentivize *cough*. it really needs more programmers to tweak it, but we REALLY don't have the money for that. really. really really.

I'm losing it with this 'fleas' problem. There seems to be a large concentration of them on skolopacidae's back. they're biting the hell out of amy. they've pretty much started ignoring me, so far as I can tell. I think they're dying off. slowly. I don't know.

I don't know. And back (cycles) to going back to school. I finished school once. And what good did it do me? Starting school got me the jobs that got me the jobs that got me where I am (laid off). I could get another job now, but probably not one I'd be happy with (so I might as well be picky until unemployment runs out... though I still have that hanging over me... I don't "make" much money on unemployment, though it's much better than minimum wage. Five years, give or take. Actually, it'll be eight years since i was last in the position of GOING to school. so. eight years wasted? not really. but. something. it hurts.

I want to play an instrument. I want to be good at math again. I want to plug electrodes into brains and do/learn nifty things. I want to have a well-paying job. I want to speak cantonese. I want to lose my gut. I want to be a published author. I want to have a really cool camp at burning man next year.

I'm not doing a thing towards any of these goals. So. Right now. When I stop typing this. I'm going to pick up a linear algebra book and start working through it. Not that that'll mean very much. It's easy to work through a textbook. Maybe I can rig an exercise machine to do low-maintenance aerobic exercise while reading. more likely, though, that would just lead to me puttering around not doing anything and getting even more upset with myself. book. right. umm. bye. wish me luck? I need mental mod chips!

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