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I killed something tonight.

My heart -- my heart is pounding, my fingers are shaking, I want to cry but I can't find that release. I've washed my hands thoroughly and I didn't even touch it -- touch it -- there are blood stains, I've washed the blood down the sink, off the hammer -- the hammer was the only thing I could think of to deal the blow... and the blow was so inept, I had to hit it again... and again... I was hitting it too softly, just barely splitting its skull and causing it unknowable agony.

My chest hurts.

My vision is swimming, I can't ... I can't .... five years ago I stuck to my principles and wouldn't kill an ant (me casa, su casa). Life taught me expediency -- I wanted my food to remain free of ants, I wanted to be able to walk without having them crawl all over me, into my ears and mouth.

There's a strong pain in my chest, my... my left, it hurts. Swimming think is.

I couldn't get it to leave, though -- it invaded my home and wouldn't leave no matter how badly I threatened it. It was drinking my water, eating my food. Hell, it was doing that so ineptly it scattered mess about the floor.

My god, it's still scratching at the box I put it in... just a simple cardboard box and it's scratching... its eyes are closed the neck is oddly shaped and now the spinal cord is all that's connecting it to this world and it's scratching at the box in a rhythmic gait...

It pissed all over the floor and hid under the couch when I came in... I grabbed a broom and tried to shove it out from under the couch and it wouldn't move, wouldn't budge... It *shat* there, scared out of its mind and the stench of that is still in my nostrils... I think it shat some more in the box. I need to throw out that box, just... stick it in the dumpster, I can't believe... can't believe!

I picked up the couch and then it ran... ran to the door but wouldn't leave. It just stood there cowering at the door pretending it wasn't there! But this wasn't the first time it had come in. I didn't think it could learn not to come back, and I couldn't get it to exit the fucking door in any case! It wasn't gone! Why wasn't it gone?

I had to kill it. I want to my workroom and got a hammer -- a small hammer, but it was all I could find. Over and over I visualized in my mind the hammer falling and cracking its skull and not moving... but that's not what happened.

The *thud* was *wet*. I didn't hit it hard enough, barely wounded it... but it was playing possum, wouldn't move. I knew it was alive, though -- I wasn't going to try to pick it up because then it would bite me and then I'd have to go get rabies shots and who knows what else. I killed it because I didn't want to get rabies shots. I killed it, though not on the first blow. Nor the second. I hit it over and over again and finally ... didn't even feel the crack, so much as saw the blood splatter.

My ears are ringing -- it's loud, they hurt, my ears hurt from the ringing...

I washed off the hammer in the sink and the blood ran down like rain, ran down like rain down the drain the blood ran and all I could think of was Hamlet... or was it Macbeth? All I could think of was Shakespeare and I thought to myself -- what if it's not dead? I can't splatter blood all over everything. I already have to clean up its piss and shit and the food and water and put the couch back down and... my god! So I went and got a roll of toilet paper and ... and it was moving a little when I got back to it so I hit it a couple more times until I thought it wasn't going to attack me and I picked it up and dropped it in a box and... and then I layered a couple layers of toilet paper over its head and whacked it hard... hard, it was so hard to hit it hard, what's.... why? why was it so hard to do... the harder I hit it the cleaner its end would be and that was something I desired... to make my killing as painless as possible... but I raised my hand high and brought it down hard, brought down the flat of the hammer for more surface area and its neck went to an odd angle and the eyes closed and its limbs began twitching, twitching loudly against the sides of the box.

I washed off the hammer again.

I have to dispose of the body. I want to be sick, I want to cry, why, why can I not? My nose is full of the stench of shit and death and fear and sweat. My god.

A single tear...


( 14 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 30th, 2002 09:45 am (UTC)
::HUGS:: I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I don't know what else to say, but I wanted to say Something. Veritable strangers, yes - but even so there is pain and understanding and the wish for things that hadn't happened, but did anyway.
Oct. 30th, 2002 09:46 am (UTC)
thank you. ~s~

I suppose that is about all there is to say about that.

I've just about stopped trembling.
Oct. 30th, 2002 01:15 pm (UTC)
What The Fuck?
"I suppose that is about all there is to say about that."

The hell there is. What the fuck did you just do, Kaolin?
Did you kill a stray cat, and if so, why the fuck?
If you wanted it dead, at least Animal Control kills
them painlessly.

Oct. 30th, 2002 04:04 pm (UTC)
Re: What The Fuck?
This comment made me angry. I'm going to try and respond calmly, because I don't want this to turn into something bad.

Let's think about what happened here: Kaolin was pretty stressed out last night, and people, when confronted with really stressful situations, make decisions where in retrospect they may have found a better option. It seems to me that condemning a decision made in this situation completely lacks compassion and understanding. Also since Kaolin is your friend, don't you think it makes sense to show some compassion? Haven't you ever fucked up?

This doesn't mean that I would have wanted to do the same thing in his situation, but it does mean that we should use what happened to grow, and not to point the finger at each other or get angry. Personally, I think it takes courage to admit something like this to the people in your life you trust the most. It shows a desire to learn and keep on growing.
Oct. 30th, 2002 04:08 pm (UTC)
Re: What The Fuck?
From what I understood it was a possum. Those things can be vicious.
I'm not sure I understand the situation myself, but then again I wasn't there.
Oct. 30th, 2002 04:44 pm (UTC)
Re: What The Fuck?
a) it was 3am. I doubt animal control would have dealt with it.

b) it was a possum. I doubt animal control would have dealt with it.

stray cats are smart enough to leave when I ask them.
Oct. 30th, 2002 05:59 pm (UTC)
Re: What The Fuck?
Once we found an injured possum near our house in Orange County.

We brought it home and put it into a rabbit hutch we happened to have, and fet it cat food.

At first it hissed a lot, but after a few days she got accustomed to us and became somewhat cuddly. We named her blossum. Blossum the opossum. She'd sleep all day but if we came out at night she'd be frisky and playful. She liked cat food.

After a few weeks she was completely healed and we released her back into the "wild."

Oct. 31st, 2002 09:31 pm (UTC)
Re: What The Fuck?
Possums can be vicious,I think they can be carriers of rabies. They can prob. hurt you. So if you couldn't chase it out of your house, you had to protect your house and yourself. Hopefully the rest of the possum community will get the gist and say away.
Oct. 30th, 2002 10:45 pm (UTC)
i'm sorry you had to experience that. hope that no more come into your house, but maybe you should contact animal control or some knowlegable party just in case to learn techniques of dealing with them in the future. a friend of mine killed one not too long ago in his warehouse right here in the city. he also had a rat bite his face in his sleep.
Nov. 3rd, 2002 12:20 am (UTC)
I stumbled upon ure journal today an was greatly intrigued. I was in a way shocked but in others just enlightened. U have opened my eyes in a way. Fear leads to insanity and acts of rashness. I am not condemning you, nor do I think what you did was wrong Im just saying it was as scared of you as you were of it and I guess under the circumstances you had little choice on how to act but the way in which you described the kill uttered the question of enjoyment. "A little water clears us of this deed." If only it were always that simple, fear should not control our actions.

Kiwi :P
Nov. 3rd, 2002 02:56 am (UTC)
Re: fear
I find myself still rather shocked... the the day to day is normal, and the occurrence doesn't come to mind... and then there will be a flash of image and the smell comes back, and I have to just shake it off and do my best to accept it/myself/the world/yadda yadda and yadda.

Fear really should not control our actions yet it seems to manage such quite often. And even when you can SEE it happening, it's hard to turn against (such is fear). I tend to consider myself very ... cognizant of such things and that night took me quite by surprise. Not pleasant, though a learning experience... and to learn is to exist (or to do is to exist, those two thoughts fight within my head) ... to exist is generally good...

I'm being silly now. It's late and I'm trying to decide what project to work on. But I think I'm going to play a game instead because I really haven't let myself do that lately.
Nov. 8th, 2002 10:31 am (UTC)
i somehow completely overlooked this entry...

i also noticed you haven't written in a while... is all well?

i just joined your poemranker site. i was checking out the best and worst poems... a few of the members there are *quite* witty.

a great place to get engrossed in, btw...

::hugs:: to cure the shivers...

and ::hugs:: for that fractal prog you sent me a while ago... i re-discovered it a few days ago and have been fooling around with screen shots in photoshop...

p.s. -miss your entries... they were highlights among my friend's posts...

Nov. 8th, 2002 10:58 am (UTC)
Re: goodness...
life has just been... really busy, I guess, and rather boring. It feels more like a grocery list than anything else ... no, more like a recipe. I've gotten most of the ingredients (may have forgotten a couple at which point I'll have to go back to the store) and I'm *trying* to cook half a dozen five-course meals. For charity.

hmm. I suppose that's good enough for an entry that I should use it as a post. And then I should start reading other folks again, and posting to them. I do have more than enough time in my day; I've ... been almost completely antisocial lately. Not sure which is cause and which effect, but it doesn't make for the initiation of much chatter.

And I'm *REALLY* glad you like poemranker. I tend to get depressed about it as most of what I hear is "these people are so rude, you should siteban them or I'm leaving!". Some people have no skin.

I've been daydreaming about my next project, not that I appear to have ANY time for it yet... fractalranker. it will be a good thing. though I'm trying to... dunno. I'd like it to be somewhat friendlier that poemranker but I'm not sure how to make that come about or if the different medium will simply do it for me. (people can't really post incendiary fractals, except by their title perhaps...)


thank you very much for the comment. =)
Nov. 8th, 2002 11:28 am (UTC)
Re: goodness...
welcome. glad to hear things are somewhat good.

about the sudden antisocial thing: its human... sometimes you just wanna be with yourself... and for me, its an unhealthy habit... being unsocial that is...

i dont know if this works for anyone else besides me, but going to a remote (and undisclosed) location on your own at night and staring into the universe above you really takes a lot of stress off... of course until you start trying to piece it together and make sense of it all.

sometimes you should just let things be... and not try and see their insides and how they work, too. its addicting to want to know how things work, but sometimes you just have to bathe in the glow... just observe...

oh man... im gonna get into the whole schrodinger's cat thing again if i dont stop now...

on any note... nice hearin' from ya. ::hug::

p.s. - poemranker is grand.
( 14 comments — Leave a comment )

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