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the room's a'spinnin' (Haiku) by nentwined

the room's a'spinnin'
mah vision's twinnin', thinnin'
should have fuckin' slept

thoughts be here perhaps

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
ladypinkfloyd
Sep. 30th, 2002 10:37 am (UTC)
very nice. that sums up many a night... and many a night to come once i get my ass into college...
kaolinfire
Sep. 30th, 2002 11:58 am (UTC)
thankee. no need to wait for (or heark back to) college. ;)

did a couple more. :) la la la.
derichi
Sep. 30th, 2002 11:16 am (UTC)
Uh huh
I think you just like sleep deprivation.
After all, presumably if you didn't, you
would take steps to get more sleep. :)
The other factor being you must enjoy whatever
you were doing more than the benefits of sleeping
and the pain of not sleeping.

Therefore, comments about you staying up
just make me go, "And this is news?"

Grin.

QED.

Mack
kaolinfire
Sep. 30th, 2002 11:18 am (UTC)
Re: Uh huh
but what did you think of the *haiku*? ;)

la la la.

I set myself a deadline. failing miserably. but making progress I wouldn't have without it.
derichi
Sep. 30th, 2002 11:33 am (UTC)
Re: Uh huh
You're asking me about poetry? C'mon, you know that's usually a mistake. :) My tastes are either classic literary or modern pop, or a cross of the two, and much not in between. You're into
postmodernism and New Wave and dadaism and the like. :) We speak different languages.

But in a word: doggerel. Amusing, but not classical. For haiku to work, it really needs really to evoke concrete images that sum up your mood. Instead, you're just*telling* us the mood. I'm not slamming the poem for having slang -- I'm slamming it for lack of concreteness and layers. :)

Best,
Mack
kaolinfire
Sep. 30th, 2002 11:57 am (UTC)
Re: Uh huh
you're certainly active today. :)

doggerel is exactly it and what I was going for. I plan on perfecting the art of doggerel haikus. ;) but you're right, that is too much telling and not enough showing. Hmm. I think the first two lines is showing enough, but the "punch/reverse" decidedly is telling.

my projects double
eyes cross as the sun comes up
brew another pot

definitely a different mood. I think "truer" to the haiku (though that is endlessly debatable and painfully so).

hmm.

my heart light as dawn
wond'ring where the night has gone
powered by caffeine

today is a dream:
while the body enacts life
the mind wanders free
derichi
Sep. 30th, 2002 12:21 pm (UTC)
It's an illusion
I'm only here on break while I goof off with the computer. :)
About to go do some real work now.... I'll respond
to this later. Sorry

mack
kaolinfire
Sep. 30th, 2002 12:24 pm (UTC)
Re: It's an illusion
no worries, maya is with all of us. I'm not really here either. I haven't stopped working on my project. really. :)

poemranker doesn't like my haiku.

they like it better than my last one, though. I only used five single syllable words for the entirety of the poem. one of them being "and". :)
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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