quasi random (kaolinfire) wrote,
quasi random
kaolinfire

What do I want?

cthulhia posted something along these lines (well, at least the subject header). I have some various vague ideas of what I want. However, I haven't really exploed them lately, and maybe that has something to do with my uncertainty in all sorts of situations. I don't know what I want... or if I do, I don't know why I'm not moving more actively towards it. I'm focusing on the minutae of things that have NOTHING to do with what I tell myself I want. How sad is that?

I *want* to do research on brains. That is "first and foremost" in my mind. But it's such a huge step, still -- I keep hoping that something magical will appear and help me on my way. I hoped college would help, and it probably *could* have, but I worried about other things ... money, food, sex, happiness, motorcycles, living... living...

money. my first job "out of school" (hadn't graduated yet, but I was waiting for the next summer term to complete my degree, and it was fall... well, spring by the time I actually got a job) was... not really money. And it was fun... I've always liked programming (although now I'm starting to udnerstand how much of a RUT it is for me... but it's a comfortable rut, for the most part... and I really like the bits of recognition I get here and there from folks who have no CLUE what it is... why do I like that?) :(

and now I"m in my second job, a continuation of the first, more money... I haven't taken any more classes, haven't made the attempt to go back to grad school (haven't quite finished paying off my loans... almost as if I'm afraid to, because then I'll have no excuse NOT to go back to school).

So what do I do with my "spare" time? I program. (some) and the rest, I worry about what I've created, or I worry about what I haven't done. Do I always worry like this? No, but more than I should by at least an order of magnitude. What should I be doing? Well, for starters I shouldn't be writing this rant, I should be paying bills, dealing with other outstanding worries (like selling a motorcycle, trying to deal with a car, getting a business license... do I *REALLY* want a business licesnse? I think not, at themoment) fuck. I want to change my name, too. I want I want I want.... I want to do electroincs, I want to play with neurl tissues, I want to create "*NIFTY*" things. I want mozilla to work better with long textareas. this is really obnoxious. I've types four or five sentences ahead of what's displaying and it's typing at one character per second... maybe three.... bleah!

this didn't get me anywhere other than more aggravated. but it's good to look at later, I hope.
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