Okay, so I probably should have gone the arcane binary format "doc" instead of (once again) diving into RTF. This is the first time I went with purpose, and OMFG. Just. Dude. So. "Standard Manuscript Format".

I made this:

{\rtf1\ansi{\fonttbl{\f0\fnil FONT;}}
{\info{\author FIRST LAST}}
{\colortbl ;\red0\green0\blue0;\red255\green255\blue255;}
{\header\pard\qr\plain\f0LAST / SHORT / \chpgn}
\viewkind1\psz1
\pard\f0\fs24
\pgbrdrsnap
\trowd \trbrdrl\brdrnil \trbrdrt\brdrnil \trbrdrr\brdrnil \trbrdrb\brdrnil
\clpadl0 \clpadr0
\clbrdrl\brdrnil \clbrdrt\brdrnil \clbrdrr\brdrnil \clbrdrb\brdrnil
\clvertalt
\cellx4500
\clvertalt
\clpadl0 \clpadr0
\clbrdrl\brdrnil \clbrdrt\brdrnil \clbrdrr\brdrnil \clbrdrb\brdrnil
\cellx9000
\intbl
FIRST LAST\par
ADDRESS
PHONE\par
EMAIL\par
\cell\pard\intbl\qr
about WORDS words\par
\cell\row
\pard
\sl480\slmult1
\par
\par
\par
\par
\par
\par
\par
\par
\qc TITLE\par
by BYLINE\par
\par
\ql\fi720
STORY
}

That's the template for Standard Manuscript Format. Yesyes. You can put your own stories in it by pasting plain text over at http://www.erif.org/manuscript/