quasi random (kaolinfire) wrote,
quasi random

people; hanging out with

I don't know how widespread/prevalent a tendency this is in the human population, but we are herd animals so it's quite likely a common thing... My self tends to bend towards some sort of group mean whenever I'm with other people. If I'm with different groups I get quite mixed up because I can't find a happy median -- I wind up tipping towards one group or the other and finding much discord in myself. And that sucks. I'd rather just be myself. But not, because myself is wholly antisocial; has nothing to do with other people, except perhaps in getting second opinions on stuff, help on figuring out problems, brainstorming... but nothing beyond that.

Ooh. I wonder if that's true. It seems right.

But where this is going... in my last two relationships, I've become a LOT like the person I was with. Typically picking up both their positive and negative attributes in some sickening synergy of being. And of course, the other person would get stuff from me as well, but I think less so. And I see that happening in my current relationship and I'm not liking it too much. I love Amy and her traits, so long as they stay in her. And I understand that the feeling is mutual. We're both afraid to compromise too much and stop being ourselves. But what is a self?

Fuck, I sound like I'm on acid. Er; I hope I don't sound that bad. Sense? Sense 1, sense 2, testing?

So what is a self? I started writing a poem about it a couple days ago (the day my motorcycle was stolen), and the poem was shit. I posted it in darkpoetry, I think, just because it was maudlin/depressive. But basically it said something to the effect of "what is a life if you don't live it fully by being different people? If you're one person throughout, isn't that stifling?" There's a part of me that goes "no, you have to be true to yourself!" But... again, what is self?

Self, to the best of my understanding, is ... the way you react to your environment, based on your previous experiences. If you have something to be true to... what is that? What gives it importance over other things? Do you need it? Or... geh. again, the mind is failing. I'm tired and overworked. Sorry for the ramble. Just... looking for ideas and trying to think things out (and I suppose avoiding cleaning house and putting together a todo list; today was depressing, not in any long-term way but just... for today... bleah. today and tomorrow sucked/will suck)

I need a break.

*and* I need a break with Amy.

Ooh, that didn't sond right. Don't read the "with" as "from". I really mean with, as in, we need to go somewhere and relax for a long afternoon without anyone else or anything else to worry about. Ideal, no?

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