quasi random (kaolinfire) wrote,
quasi random
kaolinfire

what the fuck is wrong with me?

For the past few days I've been in some sort of depressive overdrive. I've accomplished a fair amount, but I don't have any feelings of accomplishment -- only stress and depression. I mean, I'm happy enough all around except... I'm stressed and depressed. I'm happy other than that? It's hard to say. It's more like I'm happy AND stressed AND depressed.

Sickeningly enough, it feels like a part of the depression is a need to be valued and appreciated by other people -- a need to show off my accomplishments and have them regarded as good. Intellectually, that's definitely not a need -- I find it disgusting. But ... I dunno. I think it's there.

I poured my heart and soul into partially unhacking the backend of imaginaries (my writers' group), and so far all I've gotten are complaints that the new frontend looks too sterile. Fuck.

I've been working on fractroam a lot (well, I spent two hardcore days on it), and... I got to show it off a little at my birthday party, but it's still not good enough. It's backend is now a TOTAL hack that SO needs rewriting, and I haven't really updated the webpage for it in ages.

NFG is coming along slowly. I did a couple of tweaks to it today. I spend most of my time saying the same thing over and over again, responding to the same question: "I don't know how to do anything with your site". WTF? Read the screen... you know english, right??? FUCK!

Okay, a little agression, no problem, whatever...

And then there's work. That's frustrating, too. I won't go into it. I need to be doing it, I could be doing it, but I'm not doing it -- and I can't do it optimally because people won't answer my questions more specifically as to what they're looking for. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Do I feel any better now?

A little.

Ah well.
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