May 8th, 2004

2016, fenris + phoenix

What is Hell?

Any place that can not be escaped, where there is the desire to do so. Which is any place--where I lay my head is home, and home is where my fears and hates and things which I can not find words to express exist.

Unhappiness.

It's back, has been for weeks... I was really happy for a while. I don't know how long of a while, because I apparently didn't record that in my journal anywhere. I suppose it can be distilled in bits from posts I did post, and I'd say (from various recollections) that it lasted about two weeks, and ended about two weeks ago. I knew that it was an odd happiness while it was here--it was like dreaming, and seeing that you're dreaming, but since it's all good... why complain? Just notice, and enjoy.

Back to what seems to be the more normal mode of things. La la la.

Trying to try, and failing at that. Seeing all the failures I've poured my life into, and seeing all the potential failures I could pour more life into. Nothing is definite. Nothing looks good.

Even this pissant angst seems pathetic.

Pathetic. :)