March 29th, 2001

2016, fenris + phoenix

this that and the other

a journal, eh? I've started these on paper before, once or twice, swapped from time to time, written things in the wrong places, and overall dropped them.

This is ... as much a journal as anything else, or I presume it will be, we shall see what it becomes (and if I return) -- we is me, I'll presume. I will not grasp for the ... oddly placed ... hope that someone reads these exhibitionist writings. God, I sound full of myself.

So. Why am I here? Preferably to make people think, hopefully to get folks interacting with the stuff I post, and partially just to see what happens (kinda what I live by).

To that end ... this journal will mainly be me freely associating from word to word to concept to rant to word (potentially related to a project I'm considering regarding free association).

Another reason this is here is (brain mangles) ... I think I'm trying to say too much all at once without any cohesion. Lacking cohesion is fine when you're not trying to say anything, but... oy.

right. we'll see what happens. Or I will, at least. probably.
2016, fenris + phoenix

the theme of themes to come

I talk a lot.

I procrastinate a lot.

At work, sick.

Begin: an empty glass bottle, or mostly empty, formerly full of aprkling mineral water, lemon flavored. We have a lot of it at work, and I drink it. It's healthier to drink than the other stuff we have at work, besides the water from the watercooler -- and I can't stand to drink plain water. It just doesn't happen unless I'm close to passing out from dehydration. I try to get by on other liquids.

Two simple tasks codewise to do, 12 hours to do them, and I really don't want to. Will they get done? Maybe. I have a million and one other projects to work on, and each and every last one of them is more interesting than what we're doing at work at the moment. Even the project that's organizing all my other project. Silly, neh?

Footmarks on the wall. Bootmarks and toeprints and everything inbetween. I work in the closet. It's a large walk-in closet and it has a door with a lock. I'm the only person in my company with an "office". The rest don't even get cubicles -- ooh, ahh, open-air-office, distractions abound, people can always see what you're doing, bother you on the slightest whim. I'm all the way past the kitchen, through the office room, and then ... my door. Unfortunately, it is a closet. Poor ventilation, and people hang their coats in here. But at least it's a bit off the beaten track.
2016, fenris + phoenix

colors colors, nowhere colors?

Well, I want people to be able to read this, so I didn't go crazy with colors. I started with the color scheme I use for my own site, and them played around with it a bit. This one is definitely... cooler, or, "colder" is more what I mean.

kinda neat. it's a little too cold for my tastes, leaning too much towards "professional" or, better, "businesslike" (because there's professional and there's profesionnal...) la la la. I think these colors are a lot easier to read and a lot easier on the eyes than any of the default schemes. Dunno what other folks think. It's tempting to donate (or become a member or whatever the terminology is) to see if I can come up with a nicer scheme (they only let you play with schemes when you pay). Which is eminently fair. I think it's cool that they've set this up. I'm just not sure I'm going to stick with it.

It's also tempting to check out their developer board system and see if there's anything I can do there to help, but... we'll see if I stick with this at all, neh? 3 posts in one day that noone will ever look at, most likely. ;) We'll see if any of them get comments. I don't see why they would. I'd like 'em, though. Whee. :)

Where is the edge of consciousness -- between here and there, where at one point memories are formed of sensations and the next some neurotransmitter is blocking them (or some lack of neurotransmitter is blocking them) and you are asleep.... (of course, that's not it, that's too simple, even wrong, but ... it's kinda it. kinda.) There's so much more to it.

Next post? I'm straying, and it might be interesting. Something I've wanted to get down for some time. This seems like a great place to place random thoughts for later playback. I suppose in some sense (a main one, perhaps) that's what a journal is. Strange, that.
2016, fenris + phoenix

going to sleep

I hate going to sleep. There are a couple of reasons, some more human or commonplace than others, I'm sure.

1) I'm lonely. I like to cuddle up next to someone when I'm going to sleep. I *think* this may actually have a lot to do with the following reasons -- when I'm cuddling up to someone, my thoughts are warm and fuzzy, they fade easier and I can get to sleep.

2) I think too much. I think too much most of the time -- there's a fine line of course, the rest of the time I think too little (or so I think). As I'm drifting off, I'm attempting to let go of the day or night, spin my body from its mind (or vice versa or versa vice). That's when things occur to me. Stumble, stumble, thud, convince myself it's worth getting up for and writing down -- no, you dumb shit (speaking to myself), you won't remember it in the morning. You've learned that, learned it well and good, and still it's the first excuse to pop itself into your head. At least it's the first one to pop itself out as well. Poof. I refute you. Next is "it's not that interesting." Well and true, perhaps, but I'm not awake enough to verify. The question is whether I wake up enough to write it down, and verifying is certainly a few levels of consciousness above just writing down a thought. So... eventually, I stumble out, grasping the thought delicately with mental fingers, and find tools to put the thought down -- an xterm or a postit or a scrap of envelope. And then I stumble back to bed. And fifteen minutes later, it happens again.

3) 2 is the worst of it, but another issue that rains down on my skull is -- "just a little longer". Just a little longer and I'll be able to finish whatever I was working on. No major mistakes will be made. I'll be happier. Maybe I'll be able to sleep, even. I can do so much more when I don't sleep, really. But... no, for too much of that and I actually do less, unable to wake up for work, or waking up and unable to work at work (which they prefer, unfortunately, to me simply not showing up) -- and then I stumble around dazed and lose the night as well, where if I simply "missed" work I could go in later than night and make up for it. La la la. They don't really mind that all that much, unless meetings are to be had. Of course, that's worst-case scenario. That doesn't happen all the time. If it happened all the time, it wouldn't happen, for I could convince myself then to go to sleep. Often (most of the time?) a few more hours, and then a few more hours on top of that, really don't hurt anything. But then there's the times it does. For instance, I've been sick for a week. I'm sure my sleeping habits don't help.