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What is Hell?

Any place that can not be escaped, where there is the desire to do so. Which is any place--where I lay my head is home, and home is where my fears and hates and things which I can not find words to express exist.


It's back, has been for weeks... I was really happy for a while. I don't know how long of a while, because I apparently didn't record that in my journal anywhere. I suppose it can be distilled in bits from posts I did post, and I'd say (from various recollections) that it lasted about two weeks, and ended about two weeks ago. I knew that it was an odd happiness while it was here--it was like dreaming, and seeing that you're dreaming, but since it's all good... why complain? Just notice, and enjoy.

Back to what seems to be the more normal mode of things. La la la.

Trying to try, and failing at that. Seeing all the failures I've poured my life into, and seeing all the potential failures I could pour more life into. Nothing is definite. Nothing looks good.

Even this pissant angst seems pathetic.

Pathetic. :)


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 8th, 2004 09:06 pm (UTC)
I hear you. But I don't think you're a failure. I think you're a success. But I know, we always judge ourselves by our own standards in the end.

I'm at the point myself where so many changes have happened, are happening, in my life that my emotions haven't caught up yet. Right now I'm still somewhat...disconnected from them. But they'll catch up. (I hope.) It's not exactly "numb", it's more like "well, umm, yes?". Or something. :)

Even the good stress of ending law school and looking forward to a future where I'm not in school, overwhelmed all the time, is still stress. My emotions have promptly shut down in self-defense.

So, want to play some chess sometime? And I still have your picture back up in the bedroom, but it's on the floor because it's so heavy with the Lucite! Maybe I'll find another large nail and hang it up.
May. 8th, 2004 11:54 pm (UTC)
Awww come on, you're amazing!
May. 9th, 2004 02:19 pm (UTC)
i agree. this cat is toally hip. and sharp as a tac.
May. 10th, 2004 11:14 am (UTC)
misery loves company
still in hell?

still tired of being SICK.

May. 10th, 2004 11:25 am (UTC)
Re: misery loves company
hell is all sorts of things right now, and whatever it is I am there.

I can imagine being tired of being sick.

amy's almost like that, sheerly from exhaustion. she's been sick here and there through the semester, but mostly she's just impossibly run down.
May. 12th, 2004 08:13 pm (UTC)
Sometimes, what you perceive as a failure in your life doesn't have to stay that way. I failed school basically by quitting part way through grade 11. It took me a long time to realise that I didn't have to keep that failure and the life it had led me too.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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