Last night, we "cuddled" (to Amy this means lying very still; no draping my legs over her, rubbing her arms, rubbing her feet). And it was nice. And we fell asleep, almost. Maybe we did. We were waiting for Julie and Karen to arrive. They arrived, we went out for icecream, and then it took forever to get through the process of going back to bed. I went to bed before Amy, but couldn't sleep. When she crawled into bed, she started hunting for one of her stuffed animals to cuddle. This made me feel very lonely. I curled up on "my side of the bed" and tried to sleep, wrestling with thoughts I didn't want to have. Finally, probably while she was managing to drift off, I started trying to talk about things. She didn't respond to anything I said (I had said I didn't want to upset her and I didn't want to argue, as precursors to what I said, because I didn't... to start with, maybe?). I kept having conversations with her in my head about this or that, trying to think of how to say things, and realized it was getting really out of hand (we'd started discussing inconsequentials in my head). So I mentioned that, and we talked in a friendly manner for a short bit, and then I brought up the fact that I'd been trying to have a conversation with her and she hadn't responded to me; she responded by saying that I'd said I hadn't wanted to talk about it. I retorted that I hadn't wanted to _argue_ about it, did she have any thoughts about anything I said? She didn't. She didn't have any thoughts.
We've been meaning to see a counselor for a long time. Or I've been meaning, and have brought it up repeatedly (for over a year, now, I think). She kept vetoing the idea, until recently, when she brought it up herself. ((apparently an issue of Cosmo had made her realise how bad our relationship had become)). So I've gotten recommendations from friends, but I'm horrible at calling. But I call one of the recommendations today, talk to her for a while, and I'm sold to blow $125 for a 45 minute session to see if it's worth going back. Amy thinks that's way too steep. We "talk" about it for a little while, where Amy comes across as really upset and defensive to me. ((admittedly, she's working on lesson plans. she's taken an insane amount of work upon herself this semester, teaching, and is open about being weak-willed ((regarding television and icecream, at least)) )). I ask her whether she's all right, she says yes, note to her that I find her tone offputting, she says okay, and goes back to what she's doing. I go call the other shrink and leave a message asking for a callback.
How is this supposed to make me feel, really? I mean, fuck. Argh. And shit. Grr. I stopped crying while describing the situation. I want to cry again. It wasn't enough. Maybe if I drink more water it will come more easily. This is fucking absurd.