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Well, I got my wish.

I'm crying now. :whee:

Last night, we "cuddled" (to Amy this means lying very still; no draping my legs over her, rubbing her arms, rubbing her feet). And it was nice. And we fell asleep, almost. Maybe we did. We were waiting for Julie and Karen to arrive. They arrived, we went out for icecream, and then it took forever to get through the process of going back to bed. I went to bed before Amy, but couldn't sleep. When she crawled into bed, she started hunting for one of her stuffed animals to cuddle. This made me feel very lonely. I curled up on "my side of the bed" and tried to sleep, wrestling with thoughts I didn't want to have. Finally, probably while she was managing to drift off, I started trying to talk about things. She didn't respond to anything I said (I had said I didn't want to upset her and I didn't want to argue, as precursors to what I said, because I didn't... to start with, maybe?). I kept having conversations with her in my head about this or that, trying to think of how to say things, and realized it was getting really out of hand (we'd started discussing inconsequentials in my head). So I mentioned that, and we talked in a friendly manner for a short bit, and then I brought up the fact that I'd been trying to have a conversation with her and she hadn't responded to me; she responded by saying that I'd said I hadn't wanted to talk about it. I retorted that I hadn't wanted to _argue_ about it, did she have any thoughts about anything I said? She didn't. She didn't have any thoughts.

We've been meaning to see a counselor for a long time. Or I've been meaning, and have brought it up repeatedly (for over a year, now, I think). She kept vetoing the idea, until recently, when she brought it up herself. ((apparently an issue of Cosmo had made her realise how bad our relationship had become)). So I've gotten recommendations from friends, but I'm horrible at calling. But I call one of the recommendations today, talk to her for a while, and I'm sold to blow $125 for a 45 minute session to see if it's worth going back. Amy thinks that's way too steep. We "talk" about it for a little while, where Amy comes across as really upset and defensive to me. ((admittedly, she's working on lesson plans. she's taken an insane amount of work upon herself this semester, teaching, and is open about being weak-willed ((regarding television and icecream, at least)) )). I ask her whether she's all right, she says yes, note to her that I find her tone offputting, she says okay, and goes back to what she's doing. I go call the other shrink and leave a message asking for a callback.

How is this supposed to make me feel, really? I mean, fuck. Argh. And shit. Grr. I stopped crying while describing the situation. I want to cry again. It wasn't enough. Maybe if I drink more water it will come more easily. This is fucking absurd.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
(Anonymous)
Feb. 7th, 2004 02:26 pm (UTC)
Therapist
Saw your post on Woshad (Mike Peterman's) journal.
Look up Kathy Labriola in the phone book in Berkeley, Mike and I used her when we almost blew up a few years back, and a few of my friends have seen her too. She costs about 30.00 for 1 and 1/2, she isn't a Ph.D, but she's good. i am so sorry to hear you guys arn't doing well.
-Baraka

shamaneyes
Feb. 8th, 2004 12:31 am (UTC)
Hugs
My advice on relationships is not worth much, considering my past, so let me just say (type): Big HUG.

:(

kari_marie
Feb. 8th, 2004 08:38 am (UTC)
You don't need a Ph.D--there are a lot of good licensed people that have masters degrees in various types of counseling. See if you can find someone that works on a sliding scale.

Jonathan and I did a bit of counseling. I don't really think it helped us much--more what helped was my own long experience with shrinks and doing subsequent shrinking of both of our heads.

I don't know what else to say except that a counselor will help both of you, but only if both of you are prepared to do some changing. There have been a couple things about Jonathan that initially (first stages of our relationship) I ignored/overlooked, thinking I'd be able to always ignore it. Well, after about a year or so, I couldn't ignore them anymore, and they turned into big issues between us. We both had to give a bit on them, and now they aren't issues anymore.

In fact, the only thing that's still a big issue between us that wasa big issue at the beginning was me and driving. Jonathan thinks I'm a crappy driver (which may or may not be true, but I've never gotten a ticket or in an accident) and he gets really tense and upset when I drive. On our 6000 mile road trip, I drove for a tota of 45 miles, before I pulled over and made him drive again. It's the stupidest thing, and it's turned into a bit of a control-freak issue when it comes to me driving the new car, but I just have to deal with it and kind of ignore it. Truth be told, most of the time I prefer he drives when we go somewhere together. If I want to drive, I have to go by myself. But I've just decided it's not worth the hassle.)

But other than the driving thing, problems we started out with five years ago are no longer problems--we dealt with them, compromised on them, and got past them.

My friend Gen has an on-again, off-again guy in her life. (Nice guy, but I wish she'd figure out her relationship with him, because the on-again, off-again thing is really hard on her son.) She goes through phases where she's really horny and lonely and wants to be with him, so they get together and everything is fine and dandy for a while, then she starts to feel crowded and overwhelmed and they break up, and then the cycle starts all over again. They're both totally codependent, but in a codependent relationship, ideally one partner is happy, and neither of them is ever happy, so from my point of view it's a pretty lousy relationship. She's even told him that she's not attracted to him but just keeps him around for the sex. Then she whines to me about how she doesn't know what to do about him. I've told her (since she was asking for advice) that if she wakes up next to him but just can't make herself attracted to him (a situation I've been in before) then she needs to cut the ties completely and move on, because if she's not waking up in the morning completely happy with the person he is, she's not going to be able to change that.

Bottom line (and any counselor is gonna tell you this) that you have to be happy enough with what the other person is that, if they don't change at all, you will still love them. My parents' marriage failed because my mom went into it convinced she could change my dad. My mom always warned me that in a relationship, I had to love someone enough to not want to change anything about them. That's not entirely true--I have tried (without success) to change Jonathan's habit of leaving his dirty laundry around the house and dirty dishes piled in the kitchen. Over five years, and I still have to nag him on these things. But ultimately, even though it drives me nuts, I am the one who has to learn to deal with them, because that's the way he is and I may not be able to change that. I know there are things he finds totally obnoxious about me (namely that I'm totally ADD scatterbrained and I like to spend most of my time buried either in a book or computer) but he puts up with them because he knows it's part of me.

Don't know if my rambling helps at all, but if you ever want to talk, email me and I'll send you my phone #. :-)
noaccident
Feb. 8th, 2004 06:13 pm (UTC)
my two cents:
i think that both of you should get a Reiki healing session. it's usually around forty bucks. try to get someone who can come to your house to do it, and have them do your sessions back to back. the session should be private for each of you...no observing or listening by the other should happen. and then after the Reiki practitioner leaves, you can sit down together and discuss the experience, what you discovered about yourselves, what you were holding on to and burying, and what you released. then talk with each other about your feelings and goals and dreams for your partnership.

in my opinion, that would be getting more to the point than therapy. it's at least worth a shot, right?

best of luck, and well-wishes from me. <3
calbruin
Feb. 9th, 2004 07:53 pm (UTC)
friendly advice
I have no experience with professional counselors. But as a friend to you both, it rather shocks me to read this journal entry.
At the moment, I can only best recommend, a slow approach of chatting through what concerns you. In other words, attempt to talk about it but indirectly via some analogous situation,sceniro or comparison.
niyama
Feb. 12th, 2004 06:40 pm (UTC)
Friendly Advice X2:

As someone who really knows either one of you, the advice I offer is kind of generic, but comes from the heart. (And given that it comes from a certifiable lunatic, take it for what it’s worth.)

I’d like to echo what kari-marie said on your previous post. There is a BIG difference between being moody and being consistently unhappy. Feeling lonely and unloved has two general sources – from the outside AND the inside. I’d like to encourage you towards some heavy self-analysis before and maybe during your efforts to work on things with Amy. Counselors are good...but only as good as those who go to see them. To get the most out of it, you have to be willing to be prepared and to DO THE WORK.

- You might want to put some heavy thinking into what EXACTLY, concretely is missing or hurting in your life. Are you really feeling unloved? Or maybe you are feeling unappreciated or undervalued? “Love” is hard to quantify, maybe narrowing things down to concrete needs would be helpful. Are you craving more physical affection/ affirmation? Are you craving more attention? (Hey it’s not childish, everyone needs to be the center of attention sometimes!)

- try to separate feelings from causes and effects. Feelings are ok...it’s the way we act on them that has value as helpful or hurtful. Roll with the feelings, acknowledge them, value them, and then move on to focus on the facts.

- Communication is good, but remember things should only be said if they are: True, Honest, Important, Necessary, and Kind. In other words T.H.I.N.K. before you speak (ouch I’m channeling my mother!)

- I’d encourage you to think about your moods chemically. (As someone with a mood disorder, I know my stuff when it comes to this.) Be sure you are getting enough sleep. Eat properly – with enough carbs AND proteins to keep yourself balanced. GET SUNLIGHT. Even a few minutes every day can help your brain right itself. Get some exercise – even if it’s just walking down the block. This stuff sounds elementary, but you’d be amazed and how simple little things can help you stay clear headed, rational and on the upside of down.

- Finally – get over yourself. I mean this in the most loving way. From what little I know of you, I think you are one of the most intelligent, creative, passionate and productive people in the world. You are amazing and unique and worthy, but no one can convince you of that. You’re not superman, and you will never be perfect. Remember, if you hold yourself to a standard you wouldn’t hold for someone else, it’s not heroic...it’s arrogant.

WOW that was preachy and long! I mean everything above with the best of intentions, and send you all of my hopes as well as my advice. Hang in there...there is light above and earth below. You will eventually find your way.

sami
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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