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shamster is a serious mother for getting me to think about things and just for having emo/intellectual discussions with.

taking snippets of things I'm saying and things he's saying. they may not be "true", but they're true enough or attempts at true enough as I say them.

I have too many (not too many. an unpleasant many, but I'm happier with them than without... just wish I could do more to catch up better...) projects that are "almost" to a finishing point where I could take some time off and enjoy a "relax".

I'd say find some closure to projects (even the bad kind where you hate yourself afterwards for putting forth such terrible work just to finish) before hiking away. It's a good feeling even if it's bad

yeah, it is (good) [and bad]. I. need to. I need to stop finding bugs in my old projects. I wasn't going to be working on globealive tonight. I was going to be... what? I think writing. I was also going to be starting on a new project, but that was silliness. (a paid project, even, but I haven't gotten specs of even final confirmation on it, so silliness)

I feel like I've done all of my dwelling on things in the abstract sense (that I can for now, or what I need for now, or what have you) and now just want to work on individual parts of it. like...

"writing stories that explore various aspects of life, and various possibilities of life, and various impossibilities of life". or "creating things that I want to see extant in the world, either for their existence, or for what I can learn from their existence, or for what I can learn from creating them". which I suppose is the stories as well, but a little less specific: website communities, other software, robotic projects... possibly social projects. hmm. I think I've gotten abstract enough that I covered everything that is me, at the moment, beyond "I like pleasure".

I feel kinda-sorta same, in that I've discussed most everything I can imagine and put it all out there, but my life is a struggle to fill in the details of what I believe and what motivates me

I feel that I've found a path that I can follow for the next indefinite amount of time that will give me a lot of what I need... and possibly another path after that. But I need to remember to stop and smell the flowers. Which the path should include detours towards. But there should be excursions off the path to flowers as well. But I do worry about not getting "sufficiently" along the path to be ... sufficiently happy with my existence. [yeah. ignore all my depression and bitching, here. please. I should look at this when I'm "down", and see what I think of it then. Hell, what is a journal for, really?]

As for how I started on this path... I think I started in dense brush, maybe in a clearing amidst dense brush. and all was good. and then I saw that the trees made a forest. and the forest concept was nifty. and there were things outside of the forest that I couldn't imagine. and I started meeting thoughts that existed outside the forest and pushed my imagination. and I've seen large chunks of the forest, and valleys and rivers, from 'n' perspectives. The path is entirely fractal--I *couldn't* examine even a minute part of it for an infinite amount of time and really come to a complete understanding of it. some parts of the path are more obstructed to me than others for 'viewing until I get there'. [I'm really getting off on this metaphor]

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February 2016


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